Rutherford
"Smoot" Hawley was not a happy camper. For years he had honed his skills in the manly art of Smurf
Bowling, spending hours on end knocking over those little blue munchkins
and taking great delight in their pathetic cries of pain and despair.
He was the prideful kind, and had come to the point where he was the
preeminent Smurfler in all of Cyberia, with one notable exception.
That
exception was Long (and boring) TomHill, legendary Internet wine geek, mild
mannered computer jock and all around sex symbol. (He was also a fencer of some
note. Have a hot monitor or Cult
Cab you want to turn into a quick couple of bucks?
Just see Long [and boring] TomHill.) No one, and I mean no one could
beat him when it came to Smurf Bowling.
He never even practiced; it just came to him naturally, like some gift
from the gods of organized competition.
"Smoot"
opened another bottle of Thunder Alley Bates Motel Merlot, and poured himself a
tumbler full of the dark garnet libation.
The wine tasted and smelled like breakfast, a curious combination of
coffee and toast, and with every gulp, he (and it) grew more bitter.
Hawley drank fast and drank heavy, and as he neared the end of his 3rd
bottle, he began to hatch a diabolical plot, one that would put even the
felonious ice princess Tanya Hardon herself to shame.
And
so it was that the next day, when he'd recovered enough to crank up the ICQ, he
contacted one Bernie Rothschild, who was no fan of Long (and boring) TomHill
either; Bernie always seemed to come up short in their incessant games of
one-upmanship. Using Mr.
Rothschild as a middleman, Hawley engaged the services of two cheap Right Coast
goons known only as Mofo and Jujube. None
too bright, these characters would do the dirty work for a song and a dance, or
in this case, 12 bottles of Rodent Ridge California Sangiovese.
Negotiations were somewhat drawn out, as the lowlifes had certain
"family" matters to attend to, and at one point Hawley was tempted to
hire an infamous gang from Detroit instead.
However, they were an expensive crew, and in the end an agreement was
reached with the two from New Jersey.
They
had cut matters dangerously close however, as Mofo and Jujube arrived in Lost
Alamo on the very day of the biggest Smurf Bowling tournament of the year,
Ronin Bowl ®, sponsored by Japan's Sakitumi Motor Company.
The finest Smurflers in Cyberia were entered, but there was little doubt
as to who would emerge victorious after the final frame.
That
afternoon. . .
B
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N E X T
