The
clock was ticking, and with just 30 seconds before the first set of Smurfs was
bowled over, "Smoot" Hawley's euphoria was shattered, as he was
stunned to see a familiar name log on.
"What
are you doing here," he asked Long (and boring) TomHill, "I saw you
crippled earlier today!"
"I'll
bet you did," Long (and boring) TomHill replied knowingly.
"I figured you might be in cahoots with those two hooligans. "
"But
how did you recover so quickly," Hawley persisted with great exasperation.
"The
knee wasn't hurt as bad as it looked. Doctor
Julia scoped it out and gave me some Tylenol 3.
A little codeine won't hurt my Smurf Bowling.
Heck, I even fenced two scanners and a bottle of Harlot before I logged
on here."
"Smoot"
Hawley was badly shaken. The
tournament began and his performance was pitiful.
And to add insult to injury, The Long Arm of the Law came
a-knock-knock-knocking on his front door halfway through the first game. It seems that Mofo and Jujube had not only survived, but also
spilled their guts to the authorities as soon as they regained consciousness.
"Smoot" Hawley was taken away in handcuffs, and because he
wasn't able to finish his round of Smurf Bowling, he forfeited and was
disqualified.
Long
(and boring) TomHill won the Smurf Bowling tournament, of course, although
it was a little closer than one might have expected. The Tylenol 3s did have some little effect on his game; he
was only able to post an average score of 294 over three games, instead of his
usual 298.
Upon
winning, he was heard to exclaim, "Sakitumi, baby!"
Fat
Fredo was as happy as a clam (and almost as ugly) with his 2nd Place finish,
averaging 289. Billy Bree Bob
finished a close 3rd with a 286, but if he felt anything at all, one way or
another, it was impossible to tell. He
just kept typing "Billy Bree Bob, that's me," over and over.
"Smoot"
Hawley was tried and convicted of Conspiracy to Maim; Attempted Murder charges
were dropped. He is now serving
3-5 years in Holsum Prison (which is anything but). Mofo and Jujube were convicted of Conspiracy to Maim and
Assault with Intent to Commit Great Bodily Harm, and being two and three time
losers respectively, were sentenced to somewhat longer terms in the same fine
penitentiary, where they are getting to know "Smoot" Hawley REALLY
well.
If
there's a moral to this whole sordid story, I'm not sure what it is.
It seems too simplistic to say "Crime doesn't pay," or
"Honesty is always best" in complex times like these.
I'll leave the reader to ponder the matter for him/herself.
Me,
I'm going Smurf Bowling. 
B
Disclaimer:
Any resemblance between the characters in this account and actual people,
living or dead, is purely coincidental and a fig-Newton Claret of my twisted
imagination.
Copyright
(c) 2000 George Heritier 
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